My Confessions - Growing Up

My story.

Life does not come with an instruction book. Why?

Most people live their life knowing who they are and what they are about. Not needing to know anything else. There biggest problem in life is figuring out girls, or making sure they win their baseball game.

At this point in my life, I no longer need an explanation of why I’m me. I just need conformation. I just need to know there is a purpose for the madness. The madness of life being so different for so many. I don't think that any of us will understand why some people grow up Straight, some grow up Gay, so Bisexual. Its one of those paradox's in life that has no explanation. It's certainly not a choice. No one in their right mind would choose to be something so life altering. So different. This is not like Gaging your ears, getting a tattoo, or whatever. All those are choices. Not this.

Growing up. What the hell does that mean?! Still to this day I am not exactly sure what that fully entails. There is Physical growing, emotional growing and spiritual growing. When is someone “grown”? Do we ever really grow up? All these questions are things that in my life, I still have yet to answer. I really don't think that there is a 'one size fits all' cookie cutter answer for that. What the hell.

As a kid I never quite felt like I felt in. I guess that is cause I really didn't. I was after all a little gay kid. A kid that never felt comfortable in his own skin. Yes, as a kid I knew exactly who I was. Although for most of my life, I pretended that I was not who I was. I hated who I was inside. Not because I was a bad person. But because I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be this kid that had “normal” thoughts, “normal” feelings. I did not want to be that boy that everyone hated because they could not or did not want to identify with who I am. The things I go through. The things I feel. Most people don't want to know. They really don't care. I learned that in life.

I always held onto moments in my childhood. You know those moments that came around like once a year like 4^th of July, Christmas, things like that. I always would remember the 4^th of July's that I had as a kid. In Las Vegas we didn't get to have really any kind of cool fireworks, but the ones that we did had, were like magic to me. I would build little firework stands out of note cards, tape it all together and cut out the little fireworks in the ad's from the newspapers. I would paste them into the little stand. I really don't know why I did this. But it was cool to own my own little firework stand. Every year I would make one. I always remember Christmas time. When I was 12, I rode my bike to Wal-mart and I bought a $20 tree. Yes, a 6ft fake tree. Somehow, I got that thing home on my bike. I would set up a Christmas tree in my room every year. Then to make it more feel like Christmas, I made a fireplace out of a cardboard box. I taped it all up so that it was a closed box, then I would turn it over on it's side and cute a hole. A fire placed size hole. I would spray paint the inside black, and paint the outside to look like bricks. Then I would put little logs in there, and plus in a little flicker bulb to make it look like it was smoldering flames. I loved Christmas. It was always so magical for me. SO many things were magical for me as a kid. I guess even though I felt that I had been given a raw deal in life, I always tried to keep my hopes up that maybe things will get better. That there was more to life to what I was living. Deep in my heart I guess I always knew that those memories would be the memories that I go hiding into later on in my life. You know those times when you get lost in thought about how simple life was as a kid. No bills, no adult problems, just kid problems.

However in reality, I guess looking back I realized that my kid problems were just as serious if not more so then my problems now. I remember most of my nights, before I would lay my head down, my brain would not shut down. I would think about so much stuff. I would lay there and ask God why I was like this. Why I could not just be like my friends. I would lay there and wonder why people had to be so hateful about something that was not my fault. How could they hate me? I would think about how I would probably never love anyone, and no one would ever love me. I mean why would they?Who would want me? Even if I had like 20 hands with full sets of fingers, I still would not be able to count how many times I cried myself to sleep wishing that sometime during the night, I would die. The when it was time to wake up that next morning, I would not get up. I would not have to face the pain of being different in a world where different is bad. It was sucky enough that I had that typical broken family unit. You know the one where Mom is gone and dad is pretty much not there in so many ways. But to have that on top of dealing with the things that I did and not have a support system like I needed. That was hard. I mean, where does a 12 year old turn when they feel trapped inside a life they will never get out of? Realizing that this.. this life.. it's the hand that you were dealt. That's it. There is no re-shuffling of the cards. No new deal. So I did what most kids do that are in the shoes I was in. I turned to myself. My thoughts. Some destructive, some not so much.

Most of my childhood was me, lost in thought. Like a lot of young gay kids, I spent a lot of my time alone. It sucked honestly. I wanted so bad to know someone like me. Someone that would not judge me cause I was a little different. I care way too much. I try way to hard. I don't do it to be accepted by others, I do it because I do honestly care so much. I want to be that anonymous superhero that no one knows who you are, no one but you. Even tho the same people that would harass me, tell me I'm going to hell, I'm not right, and basically cast me out of their world, I would still be the one that right before the train hits their car, I would swoop in and push them out of harms way, then BAM! I'm gone. But to those people that think they know everything about everyone, they might say that I'm doing it for the recognition or because I am trying to make up for something I lack. I say it's just cause I believe in Love. Period.

I am one of those people that are kinda stupid cause I still believe that love really is the answer to most of life's basic problems. It's kinda stupid i know, But it's me and I will never stop believing that. It's like a double edged sword. Cause honestly in this world, most people only care about themselves and what they know and understand. I care too much about everyone. Their lives and situations, and if i could, I would really be there for anyone that ever needed me.