My Confessions - The Teen Years

WARNING - LONG ASS BLOG POST

(My Confessions - Chapter 1 - Growing Up - Click here)
My Confessions – Chapter 2 – The Teen Years (pt.1)

I think growing up in this world, we all seem to have this preconceived notion of what it is that we are supposed to do, or what life is supposed to be like when we hit our teen-years. For some people, our teen years are unlike any others in our whole life. Being a teen-ager is the beginning and the end of self discovery and character building. It's supposed to be times filled with happiness, the “firsts”, you know, first true love, first time behind the wheel, all that.

For some this is the best years of life, for most, it can be a trying time. For a few, never make it out of their teens. I know teens that wish life was different for them, they spend waste-less hours idealizing what their life should be like, or what they wish it was like instead of just learning to live life for what it is, and what they have before them. Listen, the time you have now, as a teen, enjoy it, live it to it’s fullest regardless of what seems to keep you down. Embrace the challenges, and trials, for those same trials and challenges is what helps build who you are as a person. The time you waste now, You will NEVER get that time back.

How can I say that with so much confidence? Maybe because I was like that too. Wasted so much of my life wishing it was different. Not really idealizing what it should be like, but more of just not seeing what is right before me.

My teen years were so much of a blur that I literally had to dig into my heart to figure out why I buried them so deep inside myself, that it would literally take a miracle to remember even the most remote distant memory that carried any weight on who I was, and why, even though I had the world at my fingertips, I could not even begin to live like we were meant to live.

My thirteenth birthday was one of the only birthdays that I remember. My Dad, Brother and I went out for a night on the town. It was a rarity in fact. We went to my favorite Mexican restaurant, and then to the car show at the Imperil Palace. Then when I got home my brother played the “Happy Birthday” song for me on his trumpet. It’s something I will never forget. At a time in life when going into your teen years is supposed to be a milestone for me it was more along the lines of realizing that this enigma called life, was set in stone. However I often wondered if as a kid, those moments in life when we can forget who we are for that moment, were the reason that I was able to continue driving on in life. They served as a promise of a better day to come, a day when I am not so taken with my fear and shame. I believe that it was those moments in life that allowed me to survive and not drown in emotions.

I hate to admit the fact that in my teens was when I reached out the most, but was so scared that I would be found out by people that having close friends scared me to death. I seemed to have a fascination with open spaces. I would often look outside my window at the mountain ranges and wonder what it would be like to truly be free. Traveling was something that always amazed me. I think that when we travel we get this picture in our head that we are out running whatever it is that is trying to follow us. I think that after I got older I realized that I am not out running it, in all reality it is sitting right there in the passenger seat, staring at me.

I would often lie on top of my roof and stare aimlessly at the stars wondering what it would be like in space. I didn’t wonder if people would miss me, because after all, even dealing with the things that I was, I knew people would miss me. You see it was not until later that I realized that the problem was not that no one loved me; it was that I did not love myself. Not loving yourself is where most of the problems lie for any GLBT individual. We often seem to look to others for the validation of our own life. People often seek the acceptance of other people to feel like they are worth something. Even with that the fact remained that we were still denying ourselves one of the most basic and important things in life. Self Love and Self Respect. I suppose for some that never comes.

When I was about 15, I moved in with my mother and step-dad. My mom had pretty much been involved with my life ‘every other weekend’. That was hard for me. As a kid I always screamed inside for my mom. Sometimes it hurt so bad to not have her there. I would cry and it would hurt me physically because I was crying so hard. I would kneel on the floor, and weep. I was so small in a world so big. It seemed my voice was drowned out by everything around me.

In the back yard at my mom’s house I would always set up camp. I had my tent and a little small charcoal grill that I would burn wood in. My backyard was not huge by any means, but it had a lot of trees in it. One tree was my favorite. It was a huge Pine tree. It always reminded me of being up in the mountains. So when I would set up my tent, It would go right by that pine tree. I would cook hot dogs, and listen to music. I would stare into space as the feeling of emptiness would overcome my heart.

I never understood why life would ever let people be so alone. I still don’t get it. There are so many people in this world. Yet there are still so many of us that are alone. Sometimes I am not sure if it is because we are scared to reach out to other people, or if in this world we are all so consumed with living in our little bubble so scared to let people in that we make ourselves alone. Even with the millions of people online, at church, the stores, the parks, everywhere, people still live their life alone.

Often many of my early teen adventures would happen in this backyard. I remember one time my parents threw some kind of party in the back yard. When the sun set we had lights hanging from the trees, music and people were eating, drinking, talking and sharing life stories with one another. I remember looking at people and their families. I would get that feeling deep down in my heart, the one feeling where I wondered if I would ever know what it would be like to have a normal life. I wanted what they had. I don’t think that at 15 it had anything to do with love. It was more like the idea of just having a wife, kids, that home with the fence, all that. As people would smile and laugh it all seemed to be in slow motion as I seen their smiles. Boyfriend and girlfriend holding each other, husband and wife touching each other, mom and dad’s holding their kids. I never felt so complete and empty at the same time in my life.

Weeks after the party was over, I would still go in the back yard at night and turn those on those lights still hanging in the trees, put on some music, and take out some soda as if I was waiting for another party to happen with people I knew would never show up. I would listen to the music and sit out there just the same. I would imagine people just like me were all talking and dancing. I would imagine a party where the world was one. A party where we all were individuals defined by whom we are, not the differences that set us apart from the rest.

Looking back on that, thinking of those times where I was alone lost in a party that never existed, it’s bitter sweet. Honestly even to this day I can not tell you if those were the best times in my life or not. One thing I do know is that they were pretty damn close.

..... to be continued another time

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