Alright, so I have had some time to think about last Friday night, and here are some of my thoughts and a summary of what all went on.
You know, I think that the fact that being gay is never going to b easy for me and i realize that. I think that sometimes it beats me down inside. Even when I know that being gay does not define a person, it is not what completes the structure of who a person is, it's just a part of who someone is.
But it still beats me down like a red headed step child. (no offense anyone lol). It's just as a human, All i really do want is to just love someone. To reallly love someone. I want someone to love me as well. I am sick of being the person that everyone "comes too". I want to be the one that everyone wants to be with. idk. I look in the mirror and i just see ugly most of the time. Not because of what is on the inside, but what is on the outside. I guess there is a huge part of me that really feels like I am not now or will ever be good enough to be with Him or anyone like him.
But I don't blame him for that. Not at all.
When I think of Tay, There is not one thing that I would not do for him. Not one. I am attracted to the very fiber of his being. It does not matter if he thinks that he might b having a bad hair day, or maybe he thinks that he does not look his best, to me, he is always so beautiful. When he takes his hat off and has that messy hat hair, it's so cute, and he looks better than ever. I want to lay with him on the bed and talk till endless hours. I want to rub his feet after he has had a long practice. I want to run my fingers through his hair as he lays next to me and falls asleep. I want to give him the world. Sometimes I just want to kiss him. Not like on the lips and all makin out with him, but just on his neck as i put his arm around him...holding him.. ya.
But I can't.
Without getting into a whole lot of detail, Friday night was not bad like i said before. We went to the mall to get those sunglasses for him and check out a few other things. Zack had joined us for the mall and dinner and whenever anyone else is around Tay always seems to act a little different toward me. I can understand that tho. It seems painfully obvious to me how guys in our world feel the need to always distance themselves from anything that might seem abnormal or whatever. In other words shit to not make them look gay. But whatever.
When we were at the mall, Tay had to go to the bathroom and zack and i sat at the food court and talked a little. I started talking about how I know that I am always super hyper and stuff but im that way because I just love being around people tha I love. Zack just looked at me and said that he loves how I am and he just thinks that everyone else needs to just loosen up more and b like me. lol. He is adorable if u ask me. He said that he thinks Taylor tries to play it a little too cool. But I just smiled and said to him, "You know Zack, When it's just me and him, he is different. He is more open and more... different". He just smiled. He knew that I couldnt explain it. I just said that "when there are other people around he is just more uptight. With me he knows that he does not have to put on a show". Zack said that he feels the same way around me. It was nice to hear that.
Dinner was ok. We went to chipotle. When we were inline at Chipotle I noticed Zacks eyes and jus said to him, "U have really nice eyes", lol.. (as if that was not gay), n zack said, "Yea girls are always saying they are pretty", nd i just looked at him right in the eyes and said, "they are really pretty" and he gave me the biggest sweetest smile ever. lol. that was a cool part of the night.. Dinner seemed like It was a little awkward for some reason. Like Taylor was really kinda quiet. Tay sat next to me, and zack was on the other side. We all just jib jabbed about random stuff while we ate. I did a lot of talking and everyone was done eating way before me. I am honestly really A.D.D. But i love it cause it makes everything better n e way.
One highlight was when we stopped at best buy. Tay needed a case for his iPhone. We have bought one last week but i guess he didn't like it. lol. o well. But we found one and i jus grabbed it from him and told him id buy it. He just looked at me and said are you sure? I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, Yes. After we paid we were walking across the parking lot and he just gave me a big hug said "thanks and I love you". That meant a lot. It let me know that even in public, he was not afraid to show me that he loved me..
But even then, I was not feeling that bad yet. It was at the game we went to where it just all hit me at once.. read on....
We got to the game and we all sat with a bunch of people. Some who I knew and others I didn't. But for some reason during that time is when I just started really feeling like maybe where I was, was not where i was supposed to be. I don't know if it was all the guys holding their girlfriends, or the fact that Tays ex was there. A cheerleader. I have known her for a while. A few years actually. I can understand what he sees in her. She is very beautiful. When they talked it seemed as if i could feel his energy. Which actually, I can. That's a whole nother story tho, for a whole nother day... So i guess it didn't just feel like i could, but i could, and it was a different energy tonight. It was almost like being there sucked all the positive energy out of me. Like someone was channeling my energy straight out of me. Negativity started setting in.
I think it's then i realized that all those thoughts in my head, all those dreams, all those hopes with him, were just that... in my head. Maybe I was just being negative or maybe for the first time I could see clearly. I don't know. But whatever it was it was playing devils advocate.
After the game it was just him and I. We went to the movies. Man that was hard. It was kinda late at night after a long day, and stupid ass me, had to pick the movie. So i picked Nick and Noras Endless Play List. Damn, bad mistake. I mean that was what Tay wanted to see anyway. But it was a love movie.
So there I was. In a love movie with the boy that I am in love with but cant touch, cant say anything, cant do anything. I know I should have been thankful that I was just there with him and that we were just together. I know this, believe me, but I also couldn't help but feel so alone. So sad. It just carried on to the point where i would look over at him and get that knot in my stomach. Not a huge one, just a little one. The one that only hurts a bit.
After the movie i took him home. At the back of my truck unloading, I received the coldest hug yet and a see ya, followed closely by a mumbled 'love ya'. I drove off.
That was that.
So will I ever be what he wants? probably not. But I really don't think that i will ever find anyone that I am so physically and mentally attracted to as I am him. So this is just some sick and twisted game that life loves to play on me. I always seem to lose.. even if im ahead for a bit, eventually, I lose.
But on a final note, I am so thankful tho, for the friendship i have with him. He seriously does mean the world to me. I can only hope that others may expierence the joy of just having someone in their life like I have with him.. minus the "in love with someone u cant have" thing.
You know, I think that the fact that being gay is never going to b easy for me and i realize that. I think that sometimes it beats me down inside. Even when I know that being gay does not define a person, it is not what completes the structure of who a person is, it's just a part of who someone is.
But it still beats me down like a red headed step child. (no offense anyone lol). It's just as a human, All i really do want is to just love someone. To reallly love someone. I want someone to love me as well. I am sick of being the person that everyone "comes too". I want to be the one that everyone wants to be with. idk. I look in the mirror and i just see ugly most of the time. Not because of what is on the inside, but what is on the outside. I guess there is a huge part of me that really feels like I am not now or will ever be good enough to be with Him or anyone like him.
But I don't blame him for that. Not at all.
When I think of Tay, There is not one thing that I would not do for him. Not one. I am attracted to the very fiber of his being. It does not matter if he thinks that he might b having a bad hair day, or maybe he thinks that he does not look his best, to me, he is always so beautiful. When he takes his hat off and has that messy hat hair, it's so cute, and he looks better than ever. I want to lay with him on the bed and talk till endless hours. I want to rub his feet after he has had a long practice. I want to run my fingers through his hair as he lays next to me and falls asleep. I want to give him the world. Sometimes I just want to kiss him. Not like on the lips and all makin out with him, but just on his neck as i put his arm around him...holding him.. ya.
But I can't.
Without getting into a whole lot of detail, Friday night was not bad like i said before. We went to the mall to get those sunglasses for him and check out a few other things. Zack had joined us for the mall and dinner and whenever anyone else is around Tay always seems to act a little different toward me. I can understand that tho. It seems painfully obvious to me how guys in our world feel the need to always distance themselves from anything that might seem abnormal or whatever. In other words shit to not make them look gay. But whatever.
When we were at the mall, Tay had to go to the bathroom and zack and i sat at the food court and talked a little. I started talking about how I know that I am always super hyper and stuff but im that way because I just love being around people tha I love. Zack just looked at me and said that he loves how I am and he just thinks that everyone else needs to just loosen up more and b like me. lol. He is adorable if u ask me. He said that he thinks Taylor tries to play it a little too cool. But I just smiled and said to him, "You know Zack, When it's just me and him, he is different. He is more open and more... different". He just smiled. He knew that I couldnt explain it. I just said that "when there are other people around he is just more uptight. With me he knows that he does not have to put on a show". Zack said that he feels the same way around me. It was nice to hear that.
Dinner was ok. We went to chipotle. When we were inline at Chipotle I noticed Zacks eyes and jus said to him, "U have really nice eyes", lol.. (as if that was not gay), n zack said, "Yea girls are always saying they are pretty", nd i just looked at him right in the eyes and said, "they are really pretty" and he gave me the biggest sweetest smile ever. lol. that was a cool part of the night.. Dinner seemed like It was a little awkward for some reason. Like Taylor was really kinda quiet. Tay sat next to me, and zack was on the other side. We all just jib jabbed about random stuff while we ate. I did a lot of talking and everyone was done eating way before me. I am honestly really A.D.D. But i love it cause it makes everything better n e way.
One highlight was when we stopped at best buy. Tay needed a case for his iPhone. We have bought one last week but i guess he didn't like it. lol. o well. But we found one and i jus grabbed it from him and told him id buy it. He just looked at me and said are you sure? I looked at him straight in the eyes and said, Yes. After we paid we were walking across the parking lot and he just gave me a big hug said "thanks and I love you". That meant a lot. It let me know that even in public, he was not afraid to show me that he loved me..
But even then, I was not feeling that bad yet. It was at the game we went to where it just all hit me at once.. read on....
We got to the game and we all sat with a bunch of people. Some who I knew and others I didn't. But for some reason during that time is when I just started really feeling like maybe where I was, was not where i was supposed to be. I don't know if it was all the guys holding their girlfriends, or the fact that Tays ex was there. A cheerleader. I have known her for a while. A few years actually. I can understand what he sees in her. She is very beautiful. When they talked it seemed as if i could feel his energy. Which actually, I can. That's a whole nother story tho, for a whole nother day... So i guess it didn't just feel like i could, but i could, and it was a different energy tonight. It was almost like being there sucked all the positive energy out of me. Like someone was channeling my energy straight out of me. Negativity started setting in.
I think it's then i realized that all those thoughts in my head, all those dreams, all those hopes with him, were just that... in my head. Maybe I was just being negative or maybe for the first time I could see clearly. I don't know. But whatever it was it was playing devils advocate.
After the game it was just him and I. We went to the movies. Man that was hard. It was kinda late at night after a long day, and stupid ass me, had to pick the movie. So i picked Nick and Noras Endless Play List. Damn, bad mistake. I mean that was what Tay wanted to see anyway. But it was a love movie.
So there I was. In a love movie with the boy that I am in love with but cant touch, cant say anything, cant do anything. I know I should have been thankful that I was just there with him and that we were just together. I know this, believe me, but I also couldn't help but feel so alone. So sad. It just carried on to the point where i would look over at him and get that knot in my stomach. Not a huge one, just a little one. The one that only hurts a bit.
After the movie i took him home. At the back of my truck unloading, I received the coldest hug yet and a see ya, followed closely by a mumbled 'love ya'. I drove off.
That was that.
So will I ever be what he wants? probably not. But I really don't think that i will ever find anyone that I am so physically and mentally attracted to as I am him. So this is just some sick and twisted game that life loves to play on me. I always seem to lose.. even if im ahead for a bit, eventually, I lose.
But on a final note, I am so thankful tho, for the friendship i have with him. He seriously does mean the world to me. I can only hope that others may expierence the joy of just having someone in their life like I have with him.. minus the "in love with someone u cant have" thing.
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15 comments:
this entry made me tear up a little.
love is cruel sometimes. but yeah, like you said, you should feel fortunate that you're in each other's lives.
don't give up! there are plenty of other guys out there who will love you. you just gotta find him.
xoxoxoxoxoxo... can never give enough hugs n kisses!
PS: i watched nick and norah's infinite playlist last night!! i thought it was great! and dev (the singer of their band) was really really cute. actually all the gay boys were really cute.
unrequited love hurts. i hope a great guy like you will find someone. otherwise there's no hope for the rest of us, lol!
Mate,
The game has just kicked off and you are 30 points in front. You have a straight guy that not only loves you he tells you he loves you. Maybe he doesn't want to be the father of your children but must be aware of your love and lust for him. He hasn't told you to piss off but perhaps needs to comfort himself by not allowing others to perceive his genuine affection he has you as a 100% warts and all friendship.We all allow actions that do not let outsiders see us we really are because we are afraid of the consequences.I would have loved a friend like Taylor in my younger years.I do not have to read every post here to see you are a beautiful person so do not be so harsh on yourself.
Cheers
Don't be so hard on yourself. And I still think that there's something more than friendship there between you and Taylor.
Perhaps when you felt your energy getting sucked out of you, Tay could feel it too when you watched the movie. Maybe that was the reason for the not-so-great goodbye.
I just think it's not time to give up yet. I am rooting for you and him together. Chin up buddy!
aww sweetie.
You're smart enough. You don't need advice from me so i won't try to give any.
What you describe obviously is love on your part. It just plain sucks that it ain't gonna happen.
But you're a sweet guy. There'll be a lotta people who'll just want to 'be' with you till the early hours, and rest their head on your lap while they watch tv or something. There are millions of guys out there who are possible partners and you've already taken many steps towards them through things like the internet.
When you meet that special someone you'll find that your feelings for Tay may diminish. At least let's hope so.
Imagine how you'd feel if someone confessed to you that they had feelings for you similar to the ones you have for Tay.
We hope you'll be able to move on.
===>mirrorboy<===
oh look, i ended up giving advice on something i have no experience about.
oh well f**k it. i just wanted to leave a comment to let you know that i care. :P
this entry wanted me to take you out and shoot you in the kneecap, it honsetly did, we all have a freewill, we always have to dream and there nothing wrong with dreaming, if we didnt dream we will see out the pardiase garden and into reality, its a brain defence mechanism and a life, life boat when things come too much.
yes tay doesnt love you in that way but never say never , but you have Storgē love, not hollow love.
and you still got him, you paint your own picture, when you paint it, people see that picture.
and where is my comment, ( phhh jew).
Dude, go out a meet some guys. You are such a nice guy that you could pretty much get any gay guy. I am serious.
If you ever need to talk send me an email or an IM and I will try to help.
::hug:: I know how you feel, you're not alone.
Hold out for a bit longer. If there's one thing I know, it's that when things are looking down, if you're patient enough, something will come along that makes it all better and worthwhile.
So hang in there, and something will come around. Maybe not in the form you expect/want, but something will be there.
this tugs at my heart strings. feel better.
Jason — I've come to realize that it's extremely hard for me to share a friend with others. When someone I like does something with somebody else, I feel threatened, or rejected, or something like that. Something in my unconscious mind thinks I have to have exclusive ownership of A friend or I've "lost" them. I wonder if maybe the presence of others who were part of Tay's life made you feel the way I do in situations like that. The point is, you can't expect to be the only person in his life. It's okay for him to have other good friends.
hey man..
been reading your blog and been really enjoying it...
keep your head up man... I know its tough sometimes, but think about it this way... many of us would kill to have a friend love us the way he loves you...
having been in that situation, my advice is build some space to let your emotions skin over and help protect you from the fact that he can't return your feelings in the way that you need him to. Your only costing yourself time and the possibility of meeting a gay guy that can return your feelings and help you grow. Make a small break now, break a meeting with him, show some ability to have a life outside of him. If nothing else remind yourself that he can't move on without hurting you and you need to help him find a mate too.
It's not easy but you can still be best friends with him and in love with someone else. I did and you can too!
i re-read your entry and i ditto what doug said:
"Perhaps when you felt your energy getting sucked out of you, Tay could feel it too when you watched the movie. Maybe that was the reason for the not-so-great goodbye."
cheer up :)
You should be glad you have such a great friendship with him! Clearly you mean a lot to him, and even if that hug behind your truck didn't show it, it's there haha.
Maybe it's better that you lose? I know, I'm like the town heretic for saying something completely different, but maybe it's better that you lose. Maybe that's just life's way of making sure you and Taylor stay friends NO MATTER what, and that you will always be in his life and he in yours without any regard to emotions that can inhibit or destroy a friendship. Uh that was like four sentences put together but that's how I talk, sorry.
But like let's say you did get together with him. What if something horrible happens and it ends up being a bad breakup? What happens then? So maybe by life kind of forcing you to sacrifice your possible relationship with him, it's kind of ensuring that you'll be able to be "with" him forever. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear...I'm not very optimistic or idealistic.
But on a more optimistic note (because I'm not intrinsically evil and overly emotion-based), you don't need to worry about someone loving you or you loving someone else. David's right that you'll find someone else. Except I think he's wrong about one thing--I don't think you need to do the finding, just stand outside for like 37 seconds and you'll have a crowd of Jason-loving hotties around you.
:D
Please be happy :) I like it when you're happy. :D
Actually, I lied. I am kind of intrinsically evil, but I'm not like that around people I like! :D
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